So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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