A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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