I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
