even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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