guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
