We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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