I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
