I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
