Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
