the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
high people should be assigned attendants
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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