can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
