who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Randomize
