it hurts more in the daytime
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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