When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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