i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
