Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
