he wants to bone in the snuggie
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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