did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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