she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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