I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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