Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
