You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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