I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
