Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My vagina just clenched in fear
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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