6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
