I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
