I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
