Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
