I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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