People in love make me want to vomit
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
