I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Boobs speak an international language.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..