i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now