I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...