Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND