just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
