you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
