we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
