3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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