I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
