Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
