I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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