my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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