Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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