she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
