I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
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I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
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I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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