That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
