9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
