im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
