i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
