there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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