why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
