Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
