there's paper in my vomit.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
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i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
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he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
its liver damage thursday
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