The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
