I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
