Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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