i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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