Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
