My liver just broke up with me...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
