It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
