i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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