Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
