Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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