Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
