This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Randomize
