Umm I'm too high to move.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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